anti-depressants

What if the anti-depressants don’t work?

In my experience, side effects from any changes in anti-depressants only last 2 weeks. It’s been a hell of month already. Yes, 4 weeks of gross and I didn’t know if it was ever going to let up. I was nauseous on some level most days, at random times of day. I was really at my wits end. What works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for another.

Then as if the nausea wasn’t bad enough, my emotions went on a wild ride. One morning I was jumping up and down in the kitchen, screaming because I couldn’t find something. That tantrum quickly turned into extreme self pity and verbal abuse against my own body. Later that day I threw my toys over a board game. Later still I bawled my eyes out over a sad story, and just couldn’t stop.

The next morning I was so emotionally hungover and all the stress riled up my IBS. I was bent over in pain for the good part of two days. However I did manage a nice little manic laughing fit over my own joke. The joke was about a cat wearing a bra on his head. I can’t remember why the bra hat was necessary, but I was in hysterics.

Then a few days of nausea and a low-key urge to cry at the drop of the hat. A rage attack over my family not arriving at the dinner table the second I called them was the last straw.

So my doctor has taken me off Wellbutrin and put me on Brintellix. I’m a few days into this new prescription and feel pretty much back to “normal” – if you can call me normal. I’m terrified of slipping into another round of Russian Rolette with my emotions. It is so scary to feel so out of control. I felt like I was outside of my body, watching myself scream, it didn’t feel like me at all.

The whole move away from Escitalopram after the better part of 13 years was in the hopes that I could have a better quality of life. It was one part of my cocktail that we suspected was effecting my weight and labido. I’m also trying to get my medications in line with the hope of getting pregnant next year.

If I felt like I had a choice, I wouldn’t be on anti-depressants. Daily I take two medications for my mental health, and two for my heart. I’m not saying that I don’t believe in taking medication, not at all. But sometimes I really wish that I didn’t need to make my monthly pilgrimage to the pharmacy, with my little shopping list. I don’t like how my body reacts if I don’t take my medication on time. I don’t like feeling chemically dependent.

Tomorrow I’ll feel differently. When I’m in a place of acceptance and gratitude. But in this moment, I really wish that I didn’t have to take prescription drugs.

Photo by Altin Ferreira on Unsplash

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